GURLFRIEND ISN’T AS DUMB AS SHE LOOKS

Although she’s not the most stylish celebrity out there, Jessica Simpson must be doing something right for Women’s Wear Daily to name her “Fashion’s Billion Dollar Baby.” According to reports, the Jessica Simpson Collection has raked in sales of $750M this year. Yeah, you read that right…$750 MILLION. They predict sales to hit the $1 billion mark by 2011.

Holy hell. People can make fun of her all they want, but it looks like she’s laughing all the way to the bank. Her estimated net worth is around $100 million by the way. Not too bad for the girl who didn’t know the difference between chicken, tuna and buffalo. But who really gives a shit when you’re printing money?

Personally, I can’t stand much of anything in her collection of footwear, accessories, luggage and fragrances. It’s actually quite funny when one of my friends are wearing a pair of Jessica Simpson heels and immediately justify their purchase when asked who the designer is. OK, so some of the shoe designs aren’t that dreadful. I don’t actually own a pair, so I’ll leave it to you gurls to fill me in on them. I’ll also admit that Jessica has one hell of a marketing department working behind her. Middle America loves nothing more than to feel like they’re getting celebrity style for a bargain. Just look at all the successful celebrity/designer collaborations at Tarjay, Wal-Mart and Kohl’s. What I don’t get is why people are flocking to buy her stuff? Nobody likes her music or TV shows post-Nick and all the tabloids seem to do is slam her left and right. Yet another unsolved mystery I suppose.

Who Wants to Join Oprah’s Bullshit Book Club?

I just got this email from Borders announcing Oprah’s latest book club selections. Leave it to Oprah to shine the spotlight on yet another up-and-coming author. I wonder who this Charles Dickens fellow is? He sounds hot. Either way, his novels seem pretty promising. I love big cities. I’d imagine a tale about two of my favorite cities, London and Paris, should prove to be most entertaining. And this Great Expectations hoopla? Who doesn’t love a tragic novel about a guy chasing after a girl that he can never get because she’s out of his league — or so we thought. They should make a movie about that…maybe something along the lines of SHE’S Just Not That Into You? I predict Dickens will have great success in the future. You heard it here first, bitches.

But seriously Oprah, don’t toy with our emotions like this. Just because it’s your “farewell” season doesn’t give you the right to pawn off some high school novels on us. And not just any novels, two of the most beloved novels ever written. That’s just wrong…not that I follow your book club religiously or anything (for obvious reasons). Hell, I started a book club back in the day and gave up reading the books after roughly three months due to the irony that took place after my first book selection. Or maybe I just liked drinking wine too much. Either way, I’m calling bullshit on these here book selections.

Although none of this really effects my life in any way, I figured it was my literary duty to call her out on this absurdity. New authors across the globe must feel cheated. I feel cheated and I don’t even have the attention span to sit down and write a novel. Talk about getting one upped by Charles Dickens. You know what, this reminds me of all the times she got on her high [weight loss] horse and preached to America about exercise and eating healthy. Meanwhile, gurlfriend was chowing down on double fudge brownies and buckets of KFC. You can’t fool me, Oprah.

MAYJOR book club FAIL. Next.

SHOULD I BE WEARING THIS: Foliage Fashion

 

This badass shirt really takes me back to my childhood in Jersey. I used to love jumping around in all the leaves in my backyard after the landscapers raked them into neat little piles (wow, I just realized the shitty karma I probably created by doing that). However, I always made sure to brush off the excess leaves before going back inside. My guess is Dave Rittinger, a Brooklyn-based artist, never quite came to terms with that concept.

OK, so I get that this is supposed to be art as opposed to functional fashion, but it’s still hideous and ridiculous in my book. So you’ve successfully glued a bunch of leaves from the streets of Williamsburg onto a T-shirt and called it art. Way to go, Dave. *hand claps* I really can’t stand the whole Hipster takeover of NYC and this is a perfect example of why. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few palm frawns calling my name.

Thank God Catholics Can Eat Pork

Now this is my idea of an edible nativity scene. You can NEVER go wrong with bacon! It’s bad enough we get Santa, but now we also get bacon mangers. Jesus really does love us. I’m so beside myself with joy that I may have to make this on a Friday. Yeah, I’m a badass.

I’d like to take this time to extend my deepest sympathies to all of my friends who don’t eat pork. I can really feel your pain after seeing this.

HIGH BROW/LOW BROW: One Shoulder Holiday Dresses

Lanvin S/S 2010

Camilla Belle in a Max Azria Ruffle-Silk Mini Dress

I can’t believe the holiday season is already here! I absolutely love any excuse to buy a new dress…in this case, three pretty dresses (Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve). Yeah gurl!

The one shoulder trend was splashed across almost every runway for S/S and A/W 2010. I took the liberty of finding attainable options (with the exception of the GORGEOUS Valentino lace dress above…I couldn’t resist) for all of your holiday festivities. Feliz Navidad!

From the Top:

BCBG Max Azria Drape Front One Shoulder Satin Dress ($248); Valentino Lace One Shoulder Dress ($3,990); Halston Heritage One Shoulder Mini Dress ($325); Asos Mesh One Shoulder Bodycon Dress ($79.40); Karen Miller Peplum Satin One Shoulder Dress ($310.32); River Island Rainbow One Shoulder Dress ($103.42); Aqua Grace Padded One Shoulder Dress with Faux Leather Bow ($137.92)

KILL TWO [BIG] BIRDS WITH ONE STONE

Ah yes, the cold and flu season has officially graced us with its presence this year. I try to live a pretty healthy lifestyle most of the time — vitamins, fruits/veggies, light exercise, green tea instead of coffee, etc. However, it never fails that I end up catching a cold every year around the holidays. This year, I was lucky enough to catch a terrible cold on my way back from a weekend trip to NYC. Lucky me, it lasted throughout Thanksgiving. Rude. Anyway, the medicine that works best for me is Mucinex DM. This stuff knocks even the worst cold/cough out of you within a few days. And the added bonus? Some mayjor appetite suppression! Apparently the ingredient pseudoephedrine in this sympaomimitic drug produces an anorexic-like effect. Although short-lived, the effects can be an added bonus to a terrible cold. Screw you coconut custard pie. Whoop whoop!

Well that’s my two cents for the cold season. BTW, I’m not in any way on a mission to lose weight…just figured I’d give you all some food for thought. You can thank me later.

OBSESSION DU JOUR: Tavi Gevinson

 

Since I’m new to this whole “blogging” thing, I’ve taken it upon myself to check out some of the veterans out there. And then I discovered Tavi Gevinson. I remember reading about her during fashion week, but never really looked into it after that. Apparently, this fierce little 14-year-old from a suburb outside of Chicago is MAYJOR (and when I say little, I mean 4’10” kind of little). She puts me to absolute shame on all levels. When I was 14, I was still trying to decide whether bangs were fashionable or not. Meanwhile, gurlfriend has Comme des Garçons, Proenza Schouler and Miu Miu sending her loads of free shit to test out and review. WHAT??!!! Send me some free stuff peoples. I’d be more than happy to prance around town in the season’s latest lace-up booties and let you know what I think about them.

As if that weren’t enough, she’s incredibly intelligent. The girl’s writing is far beyond her years and makes me wonder whether it’s really her penning the blog. Take a look at her blog The Style Rookie and decide for yourself (I promise you’ll get sucked into her photography and fantastically awesome ensembles). Anyway, I’m completely fascinated by this petite fashionista and seriously want to befriend her so that I can chaperone her next all-expenses-paid trip to Milan. She’s obviously doing something right if designers are lining up to have her sit front row at their shows.

Well enough make believe for today. I have to go get ready to interview with a Palm Beach socialite…ya know, so that I can get a real job and not spend a good portion of my day blogging? God, that sounds awfully boring…