I just got this email from Borders announcing Oprah’s latest book club selections. Leave it to Oprah to shine the spotlight on yet another up-and-coming author. I wonder who this Charles Dickens fellow is? He sounds hot. Either way, his novels seem pretty promising. I love big cities. I’d imagine a tale about two of my favorite cities, London and Paris, should prove to be most entertaining. And this Great Expectations hoopla? Who doesn’t love a tragic novel about a guy chasing after a girl that he can never get because she’s out of his league — or so we thought. They should make a movie about that…maybe something along the lines of SHE’S Just Not That Into You? I predict Dickens will have great success in the future. You heard it here first, bitches.

But seriously Oprah, don’t toy with our emotions like this. Just because it’s your “farewell” season doesn’t give you the right to pawn off some high school novels on us. And not just any novels, two of the most beloved novels ever written. That’s just wrong…not that I follow your book club religiously or anything (for obvious reasons). Hell, I started a book club back in the day and gave up reading the books after roughly three months due to the irony that took place after my first book selection. Or maybe I just liked drinking wine too much. Either way, I’m calling bullshit on these here book selections.

Although none of this really effects my life in any way, I figured it was my literary duty to call her out on this absurdity. New authors across the globe must feel cheated. I feel cheated and I don’t even have the attention span to sit down and write a novel. Talk about getting one upped by Charles Dickens. You know what, this reminds me of all the times she got on her high [weight loss] horse and preached to America about exercise and eating healthy. Meanwhile, gurlfriend was chowing down on double fudge brownies and buckets of KFC. You can’t fool me, Oprah.

MAYJOR book club FAIL. Next.